Let’s get one thing straight: MTV, and by extension, the VMA’s, are over. Having spent much of the last decade devoted to creating jobs for Lauren Conrad, has-been entertainers (we’re looking at you, Flava Flav), and a dozen or so Real World/Road Rules reality whores, MTV notoriously lost sight of their original purpose long ago.
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| MTV - Video Music Awards |
It has become a channel that you watch only when you’re home sick from work with some kind of death plague and need to be reminded by the likes of Tila Tequila or someone from My Super Sweet Sixteen that no matter how shitty you feel, it could be worse. And while you struggle to remember the last time you saw an actual music video played in its entirety on MTV, consider the joke that is an awards show dedicated to them.
All criticism aside, the VMA’s remain relevant for one reason: the annual chance to see celebrities, en masse, make complete asses of themselves. While a music awards show like the Grammys maintains some level of prestige, the VMAs encourage entertainers to give a no-holds-barred look at how batshit crazy they really are. Like most MTV-sponsored events (see: any episode of The Real World), everyone who matters is required to mainline alcohol prior to going on camera. But unlike 99% of MTV’s programming there is one factor that sets it apart: it’s live.
For the last few years, 1iota.com has been responsible for the casting of the awards show. If you’ve ever wondered how all those people on-stage get tickets, here’s your answer: Each year during late July, early August, 1iota opens ticket applications for the VMAs. For your part, you’re required to post a picture of yourself so they can make sure that you don’t have Robert Pattinson’s portrait tattooed onto your face. Then, from your application, they cast people into the pits at the side of the stage and into all the seats surrounding the stage. TheDailyContributor.com was lucky enough to make it into the pit for 2009’s show at Radio City Music Hall in New York City to bring you this behind the scenes report.
First, a note on the audience process itself. Supposedly, about 100 people are given tickets to the pit with one additional ticket for their guests. According to the staff at 1iota, typically about 80% of ticket holders show up for the VMAs each year. That means they have to give out an extra 50 or so tickets in the event that the show is under-cast. So at most, there should be about 300 ticketholders, right? Wrong. While check-in for the pit at the nearby Sheraton Hotel wasn’t supposed to start until 4pm, by the time we arrived at 3:15pm to line up, around 150 people were already waiting. At 4pm, we were hustled upstairs and seated in the order in which we arrived while we watched as 500 additional people made their way into the holding area. When seats were at capacity, a line began to form outside. And for two hours, with nothing served except water (read: no alcohol, I repeat, no alcohol), we waited for an explanation. Who would get in?
At about 6pm, check-in actually started. In the order that we arrived, we were allowed to line up to receive a wristband and a colored index card. We were then told to remain seated for another hour or so. As we looked around, we realized that the majority of people had blue index cards, while a chosen few had pink ones and a pattern was quickly established. The pink card holders were decked out in Michael Jackson gloves, those fugly jumpsuits that are supposedly hip, and billion Rihanna-cloned hairstyles. As the blue card holders began to put two and two together, BlackBerrys were whipped out in a frenzy to delete Facebook statuses preemptively announcing their looming VMA presence. Alas, when 7:30 rolled around and we were lined up to walk over to Radio City, it turned out the worry was unnecessary: though the pink card holders did go first, the blue card holders smart enough to storm the exits were able to follow close behind. The rest of those poor souls lined up outside? They became seat fillers for Radio City and the Muse performance at a separate music hall.
The walk to Radio City in and of itself was a sight to see, even for the most unflappable of New Yorkers. Instructed to “motor” behind our 1iota handler through four blocks of New York City streets, the crowd resembled something of a stampede. Heels were caught in grates, clueless tourists were shouldered into buildings, and the fans who had been gleefully chatting with one another about the upcoming performances just moments before elbowed each other out of the way to stay at the head of the line. When we finally arrived at Radio City, 10 breathless minutes later, we lined up outside a back entrance and waited until around 8:30pm to be let in. After a quick metal detector scan and bag check, we rounded a corner into the VMA’s and filed into the pit. Showtime.
Well almost. Though one would get the impression that at a show such as this, the seats would be packed with celebs and other important people, almost every seat closest to the stage was filled with a fan, seat fillers who were aspiring actors or models or future MTV reality darlings. One small sectioned was reserved for celebs and only a handful of them were inside the theater 20 minutes prior to going live. The lead singer of Paramore, Hayley Williams, joked around with all four members of Fall Out Boy and her boyfriend from New Found Glory. Two members of the Jackson family roamed around aimlessly. Tracy Morgan chatted with his date. And then Kanye showed up.
Complete with his alien-esque, ex-stripper girlfriend, Amber Rose, and a GIANT bottle of Hennessey, Kanye strolled into the theater to huge ass-kissing reception. Everyone wanted to talk to him. He and Amber took swigs straight from the bottle, jubilantly greeted their adoring public and then even forced one of the Jackson men to take a shot of Henny. The bottle was near empty when they finally took their seats. This, perhaps, can explain the disaster that resulted shortly after.
With about five minutes to spare before showtime, Lady Gaga, Beyonce, Perez Hilton, Taylor Swift, P Diddy, J Lo and Marc Antony and others were hurried into their seats. The 1iota team came out to remind the pit to cheer (duh?) and to give us a heads up before the show and each performance thereafter. Then the 2009 VMAs were under way.
Here’s what else you missed:
-Everyone, and I mean everyone, of the celebrities was getting plastered throughout the event. When we walked by their section after the night was over, at least four empty cups were under each chair in addition to the empty bottles of liquor scattered about.
-While Kanye-gate was occurring, poor Taylor Swift started shaking on-stage. No one was prepared for Kanye’s outburst and a number of MTV exec’s came out to personally escort her backstage when she started to cry.
-Michael Jackson’s ex-wife Lisa Marie Presley was one of Janet’s back-up dancers during the MJ tribute
-After Kanye drunkenly stormed Taylor Swift, he made a goodbye tour before getting escorted out where he inexplicably came over to the pit to flip off all the stunned fans.
-During commercial breaks Perez Hilton kept running from his seat (he got stuck pretty far back in the celeb section) to gossip with Katy Perry, and bitch about Kanye. The members of Paramore, Fall Out Boy and Cobra Starship were also inseparable, laughing and goofing off between breaks.
-Lady Gaga had an entourage of people escort her like some fragile, sickly member of royalty to her seat after each costume change (there were at least 4). This was unusual as no one else changed outfits except performers Taylor Swift and Beyonce. -Also, as for the Lady Gaga hermaphrodite watch, there was no visible evidence of any man bits. Her boobs, though, were on full display under that red lace dress. And take note that the lack of bulge apparently doesn’t mean much: Russell Brand’s man bits seemed to missing as well under those skin-tight pants of his. -Whatever butts you see on famous white female entertainers in photo shoots just don’t exist in real life: Kristen Cavallieri, Leighton Meester, Madonna and Megan Fox’s spinal cords quite literally stick out farther than their backsides.
-On the flip side, however, the stars that look curvy, almost heavy even, on camera are unbelievably svelte in person. Beyonce and Pink, who sometime appear a little more heavyset than most, are so slight and muscular in person.
-The Twilight stars were either out of sight over the course of the night or never went to their seats, simply coming in to preview their new movie, New Moon. For those dying to know, there was no obvious flirtation between co-stars backstage and for once, Kristen Stewart actually didn’t seem baked out of her mind.
-Eminem, Jack Black, and Billie Joe Armstrong led the way for men with the most makeup on. Sadly no amount of makeup could mask how unbelievably skinny Eminem was.
-Speaking of Green Day, also unplanned was the stage rush during their performance. This completely freaked the 1iota handlers out and cameramen down in the pit with us were nearly trampled in the process.
-Solange Knowles sang a truly kick-ass reggae version of Kings of Leon’s “Use Somebody” during the break. If you can find it on the internets, download immediately.
-Lady Gaga and her much hyped performance actually gave me nightmares last night. She has mastered the crazy eye look a little too skillfully. Hilarious, considering this is the singer who debuted with a song about getting wasted at a club.
-On the other hand, however amazing Pink’s performance looked on-camera, it was infinitely cooler in person. She was confident but clearly a little terrified up there and completely amped afterwards.
–J Lo and Kristen Cavallieri were a few of the stars dancing around to Wale’s house band behind the stage.
-Gerard Butler snuck into a front and center spot to watch Jay-Z’s performance. He and Beyonce both looked like teenagers throughout it, smiling and rocking out in their respective seats. Meanwhile, no one expected a shit-housed Lil Mama to run up on stage towards the end. Beyonce was visibly miffed and a little peeved. Oh those crazy celebs. Until next year, when the MTV death rattle attempts another shake at the VMA’s, be sure to tide yourselves over with the one place you can still watch music videos: YouTube.
